The letter

 I was a highly pampered kid at home. The last of three children for my parents and also with a pretty good age gap, probably because of which I was shown extra special attention. But that also made me take things for granted, not that I was unruly, but I was not mindful of the love and care shown by my parents, especially my father. I had not disrespected him, but had never been expressive or to be honest, paid much heed.

For instance, I still remember an incident where once I asked him for a desktop PC for a long time. I would pester him every day and he would constantly keep saying "Lets see". Once while having dinner, I had lost patience and I had told him, "Appa, get me the PC, dont ditch me". It was pretty causal for me to say that and I did not really bother. The next day, early morning, I had woken up and my father was sitting alone in the living room. I went upto him and he was in his tears. I asked him what happened. He said ," You told me not to ditch you, that really made me feel miserable". I told him ( in an immatured manner obviously) "You are overthinking appa, nothing of that sort" and walked away! I had done all kinds of stuff as an adolescent and had been very disrespectful at many instances. I am not proud of it one bit, I feel ashamed every today.

I joined college and it was when I had to move out of home from Salem to Chennai. I joined the hostel there and certain life changing experiences  (which I would talk of elsewhere in my writings) completely changed my outlook of life. I was drawn close to the teachings of Swami Vivekananda to begin with after which my understanding of life had completely changed. I had lost interest in many material things, was constantly thinking of philosophy and ways of the cosmos! After a while, someone introduced me to Gandhiji's life and philosophy which again had a profound impact in me. It had so much of an impact that I decided (in my own way) to emulate him. I would clean my toilets, try leading a simple life, etc. It had brought about a lot inner peace in me.

Once when I was reading about Gandhiji, I fumbled upon a piece about him of how he felt guilty about stealing a watch from his dad and wrote a confession letter to him. And how his dads response had a very strong impact in him. I realised that for all the love shown by my parents, especially my father, I had not been grateful at all and my respect for him had grown tremendously. I wanted to pour my feelings to him and make up with him. I wanted to confess to him about all I had done wrong (typical of adolescent stages) or lets say all the cases where I wanted to clarify to him. But I lacked the courage to face him. I was afraid he would be disappointed with me.

I decided one night to probably use Gandhiji's method of writing a letter. I chose the E mail as an option for it. I wrote a "No holds bar" email to him of what I had been, what I had done (things he knew, things he did not know) and more importantly, what I had realised, what changed me and what i had become currently. I thought three to four times before I pressed that "Send" button in Gmail.

Once I sent, i started biting my nails to know what would be the consequence. There was no way to recall the email. After two hours, I got a call from my father. My body began to shiver. I mustered the courage and lifted the phone.

Appa had said with no emotion. "I had read your mail". I just kept saying "Hmmm" throughout. He paused for two minutes after which his voice started to break down.

He said, "You are our son. You are our whole life and we have given our everything to make you what you are now. There is no way, not even an iota, where we could ever be disappointed with you, at max we can only be disappointed with ourselves. But I am happy that you are a changed man and I am happy you have shared all your feelings openly and confessed to everything. I feel closer to my son and that is all that matters. How could we ever hate you?"

Trust me. I just hanged up and cried like hell. The whole world had stopped for me. I realised true unconditional love then. My father just let go of everything, he just cut out all unnecessary stuff (events, emotions, disappointments, etc) and simply loved me.  It was my biggest redemption. It was then I had promised myself in my life - My life is dedicated to my parents and I will never do anything that will not make them proud of. And whatever happens, I will not make them sad.

That incident drew me closer to my father and we became very thick friends. I got to know more about him after that and he had also become my inspiration to say.

Nine years after that incident, it was his 70th birthday. I felt, as a son, i needed to capture his life story and I wanted to play it to him. I had reached out with the help of my uncle to all relatives, his friends and colleagues over the years. To my pleasant surprise, everyone loved him and they all had given him all wishes. It was one of those works I had thoroughly enjoyed because it gave so much insight into his life - my inspiration. And I was recording his story!

On his birthday, I had called up all friends and relatives and I had played that video in front of him. He loved it and became emotional. He hugged me and thanked me.

6 months after that incident, Appa was no more. It still remains the saddest day of my life. Besides, making me what I am today and teaching me certain important life lessons, he has also given me two treasures.

One, redemption through the letter and two, his life story. Many people have told me that the video I made turned out to be a jinx, but it is definitely one of the most defining things I ever made and cherish all my life.

Most times we take people who love us for granted, especially parents. It is very important to speak to them regularly and also more deeply at different points of time in our lives. Their life stories have to be remembered, draw inspiration from and also pass on to generations. In fact, each of our lives is the same too.

Appa, you are with me always.