The letter

 I was a highly pampered kid at home. The last of three children for my parents and also with a pretty good age gap, probably because of which I was shown extra special attention. But that also made me take things for granted, not that I was unruly, but I was not mindful of the love and care shown by my parents, especially my father. I had not disrespected him, but had never been expressive or to be honest, paid much heed.

For instance, I still remember an incident where once I asked him for a desktop PC for a long time. I would pester him every day and he would constantly keep saying "Lets see". Once while having dinner, I had lost patience and I had told him, "Appa, get me the PC, dont ditch me". It was pretty causal for me to say that and I did not really bother. The next day, early morning, I had woken up and my father was sitting alone in the living room. I went upto him and he was in his tears. I asked him what happened. He said ," You told me not to ditch you, that really made me feel miserable". I told him ( in an immatured manner obviously) "You are overthinking appa, nothing of that sort" and walked away! I had done all kinds of stuff as an adolescent and had been very disrespectful at many instances. I am not proud of it one bit, I feel ashamed every today.

I joined college and it was when I had to move out of home from Salem to Chennai. I joined the hostel there and certain life changing experiences  (which I would talk of elsewhere in my writings) completely changed my outlook of life. I was drawn close to the teachings of Swami Vivekananda to begin with after which my understanding of life had completely changed. I had lost interest in many material things, was constantly thinking of philosophy and ways of the cosmos! After a while, someone introduced me to Gandhiji's life and philosophy which again had a profound impact in me. It had so much of an impact that I decided (in my own way) to emulate him. I would clean my toilets, try leading a simple life, etc. It had brought about a lot inner peace in me.

Once when I was reading about Gandhiji, I fumbled upon a piece about him of how he felt guilty about stealing a watch from his dad and wrote a confession letter to him. And how his dads response had a very strong impact in him. I realised that for all the love shown by my parents, especially my father, I had not been grateful at all and my respect for him had grown tremendously. I wanted to pour my feelings to him and make up with him. I wanted to confess to him about all I had done wrong (typical of adolescent stages) or lets say all the cases where I wanted to clarify to him. But I lacked the courage to face him. I was afraid he would be disappointed with me.

I decided one night to probably use Gandhiji's method of writing a letter. I chose the E mail as an option for it. I wrote a "No holds bar" email to him of what I had been, what I had done (things he knew, things he did not know) and more importantly, what I had realised, what changed me and what i had become currently. I thought three to four times before I pressed that "Send" button in Gmail.

Once I sent, i started biting my nails to know what would be the consequence. There was no way to recall the email. After two hours, I got a call from my father. My body began to shiver. I mustered the courage and lifted the phone.

Appa had said with no emotion. "I had read your mail". I just kept saying "Hmmm" throughout. He paused for two minutes after which his voice started to break down.

He said, "You are our son. You are our whole life and we have given our everything to make you what you are now. There is no way, not even an iota, where we could ever be disappointed with you, at max we can only be disappointed with ourselves. But I am happy that you are a changed man and I am happy you have shared all your feelings openly and confessed to everything. I feel closer to my son and that is all that matters. How could we ever hate you?"

Trust me. I just hanged up and cried like hell. The whole world had stopped for me. I realised true unconditional love then. My father just let go of everything, he just cut out all unnecessary stuff (events, emotions, disappointments, etc) and simply loved me.  It was my biggest redemption. It was then I had promised myself in my life - My life is dedicated to my parents and I will never do anything that will not make them proud of. And whatever happens, I will not make them sad.

That incident drew me closer to my father and we became very thick friends. I got to know more about him after that and he had also become my inspiration to say.

Nine years after that incident, it was his 70th birthday. I felt, as a son, i needed to capture his life story and I wanted to play it to him. I had reached out with the help of my uncle to all relatives, his friends and colleagues over the years. To my pleasant surprise, everyone loved him and they all had given him all wishes. It was one of those works I had thoroughly enjoyed because it gave so much insight into his life - my inspiration. And I was recording his story!

On his birthday, I had called up all friends and relatives and I had played that video in front of him. He loved it and became emotional. He hugged me and thanked me.

6 months after that incident, Appa was no more. It still remains the saddest day of my life. Besides, making me what I am today and teaching me certain important life lessons, he has also given me two treasures.

One, redemption through the letter and two, his life story. Many people have told me that the video I made turned out to be a jinx, but it is definitely one of the most defining things I ever made and cherish all my life.

Most times we take people who love us for granted, especially parents. It is very important to speak to them regularly and also more deeply at different points of time in our lives. Their life stories have to be remembered, draw inspiration from and also pass on to generations. In fact, each of our lives is the same too.

Appa, you are with me always.

Rise

When the head held low looking at the ground,

Begins to lift itself up,

Looking at the vastness of the sky,

The unending limits of the space,

To vision the unimaginable,

To conquer the infinite,

The infinite possibilities of fate,

Awaken is your soul,

Arisen you have.

When darkness truly finds its meaning,

With a tinge of light teasing to enter,

When Rays of hope unlock the mind

From the clutches of doubt and disbelief,

To tap the intense potent of positivity,

Setting in motion powerful actions,

Bombarding arrows piercing the core

Of the negative existence,

Awaken is your soul,

Arisen you have.

When the game of life is played 

With only you as a player

But with multiple opponents,

Of yourself at every minute instance

Of your past, irrelevant yet clinging,

To play to win against them,

Winning by the most difficult method,

Of forgetting yet learning from them,

A new you is then visible in the horizon,

A new you of the future,

Blurred by uncertainty yet clear with confidence,

Awaken is your soul,

Arisen you have.

When darkness gives way to light,

When void gives way to substance,

When death gives way to life,

When sound gives way to silence,

When nothing gives way to everything

And everything gives way to being,

Being alone gives u a destiny,

A destiny to reach the unknown,

You have then truly awaken my friend,

Arise you shall, awake and stop not,

Till it is reached,

Just as this unmindfulscholar has now.

Crow

Tree to tree, branch to branch,
House to house, street to street,
I fly, I travel,
A natural vagabond I am!

Eat whatever I get,
Stay where I get space,
Build my nest in some insignificant place!
Yes, scavenger you consider me.

A bad omen for you,
When we fly in a group
In a group, you call us bad luck,
Though at time we actually
Caution you!

Hate me you always do,
I dont hate you, Oh really!
What you think of me,
Is not in my control,
But what I think of myself is.

We are black, we all are,
No discrimination for us,
Black is beautiful,
Our hearts are black,
Black stands for everything nice,
And everything wise.

Yes we are scavengers,
Eat your waste,
But within us we share,
Between us, is the same food,
We are one and difference we have none.

What are you, O advanced soul,
You fight your petty colour,
You dont feed your own,
You frown and your your kind,
Who has none - You enjoy
In the pain of those that cry!

Even I can enter certain high places
With freedom where some
Of your kind cannot imagine to go!
Didn't you come in search of me
The other day to take your prayers
To your forefathers? I forgive you.

Your hate for me,
Only makes me stronger,
I love myself more,
We have no differences or hatred,
We are primitive, you say,
Oh advanced soul,
How advanced are you?

Existence

What happened before me know not I, 

What happened after I came, I know but a bit, 

That which I know is also only in fragments, 

Fragmented enough to make me realise, 

That today I exist!

What to happen after me know not I,

What to happen while I am around, I know not either, 

Totally clueless on a tomorrow, 

Clueless enough to make me realise, 

That today I exist!

But what I do not know of, 

Or What I do know only in fragments, 

Drive my uncontrolled mind and action, 

Into going back and forward, 

A perpetual see saw - Mind goes back, 

Action goes forward,

Action goes back, mind goes forward!

Forget the life before and life after, 

What about the life where I jump

From past to future, 

Past to sulk or celebrate,

Future to worry!

Time - the defining reality, 

Forget if God exists, 

What about this state, 

Where body is here, 

But mind is going back and forth, 

And actions translate to past 

Or future, but never present.

If existence is everything but death, 

What would you call this state, 

Where you are here and there, 

Past, present and future?

So subtle is "Now"

That what I wrote above

Is also past and what you would read,

Is future!

Yes, we exist, but where really?

Open the gate

There was a sun above,
I woke up calm, happy there will be light,
Only light was there, but nothing I could see,
Made me sleep again,
I woke up every now and then,
Bright darkness was all I could feel.

Until I realised that the sun was never there,
It was an illusion, I pulled it down,
Hoping for another sun to rise.
Darker it became.
Took the brush I did,
Painted the sun again with my folk,
The Sun of my culture,
With the brush of my pride,
And the paint of my conviction.

When despair spread its hands to me,
In despair,
When history looked at me for a future,
When culture and civilisation,
Were standing at the tip of a cliff,
Just about to fall all way down,
I stood ground in the slippery beach sand,
With the ocean on one side where
I cannot go,
And land on the other side,
Waiting to be conquered.

My soul waged a war within myself,
To do or not to do,
My culture gave it life,
It radiated through my body,
Pulled it did,
Souls all over,
All merging into One,
The Soul of my Race.

A war with no weapon,
An attack with no damage,
An army with no leader?
No way, there was one,
The leader was my history,
The Soul of my Race.

When you thought,
You have won over me.
When you think you had squeezed,
The blood of my body,
I cried with hunger,
Mothers came to me,
I cried out of pain,
Sisters cried for me,
I felt cold,
Brothers hugged me,
I was sad,
Toddlers smiled at me,

Pushed me you though you did,
Into the sea.
A rock how much ever,
You push down will all force,
Let it go once,
It will rise back,
Rose I did,
Came back I did,
Not me but my entire family,
We came not alone,
But with my whole civilization,
My brave forefathers,
My wise literature,
The pride of our women.


We hit you back,
Not with revenge,
We hit you back,
By not hitting at all, live with it!
We lived our culture,
Showed you Truth,
Cleaned your thoughts,
By Cleaning the dirt,
In front of you!
Showed you equality
By praying in front of you,
Taught you to be a man,
By letting a woman be a woman.

The sun of pride is shining on the beach,
It glitters, the reflection,
Travels far and wide,
Opening the eyes,
Of those that slept in pure daylight.

The door of freedom is shut,
Right in front of me,
We stand there holding hands,
We hold the ropes to the gate,
And laughing at you,
You thought we cannot pull,
Throw the gate open,
Bravery is not in strength,
It was in earning respect.

Come to us,
Stand and salute
With respect and dignity,
For my people,
My history, my culture,
You shall go with the key you so proudly
Thought you hid from us,
Open that gate of freedom,
The gate of my culture,
The bull of our pride will and ego will run,
Hug the pride we will,
Tame the ego we will,
Right in front of you.

Dont worry,
We will not let you go so easily,
We will give you Coconut water,
After all you are our friend,
The moment you come here,
You will never go unhappy,
Our land has taught us so.