Never Quit

 If there is one thing I have learnt over time is to never quit and to perpetually keep trying. I was just rewinding my past and three events / things stand out to reinforce this in me.

1) The CA loop - I guess this was one of the earliest reality checks in my life. Hitherto, I was always a topper in my academic pursuits and never really faced any major failure. I flunked my CA final the first time in 2009 and failed in almost all subjects. After an initial phase of denial, I decided to attempt again, this time I cleared one group and flunked in the other. Something prevailed over me to say that the best way to get out of a problem is through it. I wrote again in Nov 2010 and cleared the final group. What CA did it me (which I realised later) was to accept a reality, stay patient and cross the bridge step by step.

I flunked several interviews after that for being a multiple attempter, but I never quit. Probably it gave me the confidence to face the most defining interview of my life - the one that got me a career in ITC, a company I would only look with awe as a student and never imagined myself working with some of the best minds in the country.

2) Running - I am a near flat foot guy with a funny way of walking and running (obviously been trolled heavily). All my ventures in Sports have not been successful. I had tried my hands in tennis for a long time during my growing years but was never the most competitive of the lot in my coaching centre (and struggled in sprints). It was probably 10 years back when I was diagnosed of bad lipids that i chose to run / jog. I had started off small and kept pushing myself to run just a little more everyday. I realised that i somehow had a stamina or the ability to keep average consistent pace but run longer, though not faster. And every time I run i tend to speak to myself a lot more. When I struggle in the run, all the negative thoughts from my life flash in front of me and as I push myself to not quit and complete, the thoughts vanish followed by a sense of accomplishment and confidence. It made me accept myself for what I am. So guys - I run funny, but mind you I can run serious too!

3) During the initial years of my career, I had visited the Bhadrachalam Paper Mill as an Internal auditor. It was an amazing place and perfect model of manufacturing excellence! However, unfortunately it was during that short stint that I had lost my father and the events that led up to it haunted me for a long time that I shut myself from any thoughts on Bhadrachalam for 5 long years. But after a point, I realised that the more I did it, the more the negative thoughts. It was in 2018 I told myself that the best way to change things is to rewrite the experience. I took a call to go back to BCM, work and stay there with my family and change everything about the place in my mind. The three years of my stint in BCM I gave everything and ensured I enjoyed every moment with the place, the amazing team and the enormous exposure it offered. Today, it has become the best career moments in my life and stands out as the place that I cherish the most. I realised that events are events and it is upto us on how to make sense of them / change them in our own minds.

Many such events have reinforced in me that holding your forte and staying strong to face anything (with same poise) that life has to offer is probably fundamental to any pursuit in life. Having said that, it is also important to ask ourselves what you want to make out of an experience in your mind. It is a choice which would define how to proceed into the future.

To conclude - I might be anything, but I am never a quitter.

This too shall pass

 

Sorrow when it engulfs you,

The day would never seem to be born,

The world would seem to wait as it is,

Time would seem to pause just there, 

While the mind would oscillate

Backwards and rewind till the point,

You cannot go further.

Eyes would see around,

But perceive what they want to,

Ears choosing to hear only the silence,

Heart choosing to bleed within.

It is darkness which lets a light,

Find it's meaning,

The breeze derives its attention,

Because it is momentary.

It is breadth that gives life,

Breadth we inhale,

Created by nature,

A pool of air, just there it is,

For everyone to take, 

For everyone to leave behind.

Nobody owns, nobody stops.

This too shall therefore pass!

Six hours ago, there was no sun,

Just the moon calling it a night,

Days ago, I had no beard,

Months ago, i knew not,

My daughter would be born

Several years ago, i knew not anything, 

I did not even enter this world.

It has started from nothing,

Something is only a transient journey,

Nothing will eventually be,

But again only momentary,

For, nothing and something,

Need each other - a perpetual existence.

Like water and thirst.

Let the river of time flow,

Taking with it moments, events

And emotions,

Be you shall a witness to have and to have not,

Let your mind open the gate,

To the thoughts of the past,

To swim with you to the future,

Just as they arose as a future,

To another past some time ago.

Let them pass, you shall,

Hold you may think you can,

But its only a matter of time,

When you too eventually shall pass.

- Unmindfulscholar

Wake up

 When something somewhere

Tells that it's time,

Eyes open to the world 

That I know,

But have I really woken up,

I don't know.

When the momentary world

Built in my dream,

Fades away into oblivion

To expose the reality ,

Have I really woken up,

I don't know.

When memory, thought momentarily 

Forgotten, gushes back,

To remind of the past,

To cloud the present and the future,

Have I really woken up,

I don't know.

When the feeling of Self,

The personality of the Ego,

Shields my inner self,

To become the Me,

Have I really woken up,

I don't know.

When I let go of everything,

Within and without,

To search the unknown,

The one only spoken of,

Have I really woken up,

I don't know.

When I can see and feel the present ,

Bring back the past,

Adorn my personality,

Live the present,

Yet without purpose,

A mute spectator to the ways of life,

Of atrocity, prejudice, inequality

And poverty,

Have I really woken up,

I don't know.

The momentary world,

Devoid of complexities,

With multitude of choices and options,

Uncontrolled and spontaneous,

Dream they might call it,

New everytime,

What you cannot remember,

Is always the most precious,

Do I really need to wake up,

I wonder my friend,

I wonder.

My experience with reading

Most people who know me would know that I have been a good speaker, movie watcher, decent writer but a very bad reader. All my life, it would not be an exaggeration if I say that I have read not more than 20 books (outside academics and at work). I had for a long time wondered what made me to not read and used to look with wonder at friends who would read one book a week. I had tried to read but would stop mainly due to two reasons:

1) Distraction - Mind keeps roaming around all the time

2) Lesser patience - wanting the book to end quickly. I would look at the no.of pages and lose hope. It was so much easier to watch a 3 hour movie and get the essence of the story.

3) Not sure if I like the genre or not sure which genre I would like to read at all.

I would not hesitate in saying that I have had an inferiority complex of not being able to be a voracious reader. I was a voracious movie watcher, though, but hey who looks at movie watching as a virtue anyway!

In my previous writings, I had written about dealing with my movie watching addiction and how Anna inspired me to get out of it and spend more time with family.

Once I reduced my movie watching, I somehow felt a void, an availability of time for myself which I did not know what to do with. It was when Anna suggested me a set of books to read. The best part about it is he did not give me books he thought I should read such as the cliched "100 books you must read before you die" but he suggested books to me for areas of my interest. For instance, he knew fiction was not my kind and I loved a lot of history and philosophy on the other hand. He even went to the next level by also gifting me a book (I have not yet started it).

I wanted to impress him for the belief he had on me. I started with this book "The difficulty of being good" by Gurcharan Das. I had no clue what this book was about, I just chose it at random from the list Anna gave me and ordered online.

I tried reading it and believe me, initial days were tormenting, because my mind was not tuned to reading or to read a 300 page book in a flow. After a max of 10 pages, I would feel fatigue and quickly switch on my youtube videos. And even while reading those 10 pages I would keep doing something or the other. After a while, like an Annual Leave at work or a sabbatical, I just took a random break from reading the book for almost a month!

In one particular conversation with Anna, he said he thought i gave up reading. That hit my conscience of probably letting him down, though he is a person who doesnt care much. I said no matter what, I am going to finish this book. Its fine even if get distracted but I will come out strong.

Initially again, I faced the reader's block but I kept daily targets for myself (eg. 10 pages a day) and slowly scaled it up every day. I should probably thank my daily 8 km running for this since this stepping up attitude of mine I think developed by slowly increasing the distance of run everyday.

As days passed, I realised a particular change in me. I was not trying to know the story or the narrative, but I was trying to think along with the writer. This made me more curious on what more the writer has to say. The more I got to know, the more I felt i needed to know more. This made me read the book with more attention and also I spent thinking about the ideas in my mind when I was alone. One can also possibly attribute to the fact that this book covered an area of interest of mine - philosophy.

I have always been accused on being a bad listener but when I kept reading more, I felt I was listening more. I was trying to swim in an ocean of thoughts, much to my satisfaction.

Today, I finished the book and hence thought I ll write this. Its only a small start to my journey of reading and understanding various perspectives.

I have decided to be more choosy on my movies - earlier I used to see whatever comes my way, but now I have decided to pick movies that inspire or make me think. Also I would want to increase my reading and broaden my knowledge and perspectives.
 
My take on my limited reading experience is as follows:

1) Know what you want to read, what suits you and what are you looking for in a book.

2) It does not matter how much you read but what is the take away from your reading.

3) Go with your own pace and mood. You are reading for you after all, not for some sales deliverable at work!

4) It does not matter if you are not reading some books that the whole world reads or reading something that nobody reads. You are not reading to tell others what you read, you are reading for you to know more on something you want to know about!


I know I am a novice in reading, but I am sure that i will develop this habit consciously and become not only a well read person but also a good listener over time. Because, my intuition somehow says that reading and listening have a correlation.


And yeah, thanks to Anna for help me rediscover myself.

- Unmimdfulscholar

Reel to real life - How I dealt with my addiction!

 

Out of all the indulgences I have, movies occupy the first place. They have so far completely engaged me, been my vent out, de stressed me, been my great connector with friends, etc. But not until one of my closest friends who I regard as my elder brother ('Anna') actually pointed out, I did not realise that I was actually getting addicted to movies. I would watch atleast 10-12 movies a week (with atleast one movie a day), always talk about movies, etc. I would keep looking at all the movies in the OTT platform, reading reviews, wanting to watch a new release first, etc. It gave me a kick.

But then, until Anna pointed out, I never acknowledged that I was a "movieaholic" (so addicted to movies that I cant live without them). I was so bad that it totally affected the time I spent time with family. Since all I wanted to do during free time was watching movies, Mayura (my wife) had no other go than to watch movies with me. She was never into movies before marriage but now she had no other go. I would not take her interests seriously at all. Even if she watched any movie with me, it would the ones I liked only.

Anna gave me a challenge to cut out movies completely through the week. The only time I was allowed to watch a movie was with Mayura - that too a movie of her choice.
As it is with any addiction, the first few days are the craziest. I had enormous withdrawal symptoms - I just would sign into to Netflix / prime and then tell myself to back out. Friends would call me for a movie night, and I would politely deny. But doing that opened up an area which I completely neglected - Family time.

Whenever I got the urge, i spent more time with my daughter, had more fruitful conversations with Mayura and had cooking and walking sessions together.

Mayura is a very calm and accomodating person. She has always adjusted for me and cared for me. While I have been the selfish type, she has always been the supportive type. As the days had gone by, I realised how I had taken her time for granted and been self absorbed - both at work and fun. Though I had felt ashamed on one side, it also increased my resolve to get out of my addiction.

It was the Saturday of the first week. Anna gave me permission to watch a movie of choice (Mayu's choice). So I went upto Mayu and said, "Mayu, lets watch a movie together. And you pick the movie you like!"

She was confused. "You asking me for a movie? Am I in a dream?" I reassured her and told her to select one. I hated romantic and comedy movies which Mayu loved. My favourite was suspense and thriller movies. I told myself that come what may, I would watch the movie with her.

Plus I told myself , "Big deal if the movie doesnt interest me. It is the time I spend with her that matters. In fact I would focus more on it and not watch the movie!"

It took Mayu some half an hour. She finally picked a movie and screened it on the TV. I was anticipating a romantic movie and I was getting ready the popcorn. Just then a familiar sound from the TV drew my attention.
To my pleasant surprise, it was a latest Suspense movie that had released. I was overjoyed but I controlled myself and asked Mayu, "Mayu why did you pick this? Its suspense! It has to be your choice!"

For which she replied, "The idea is for us to enjoy. Time spent with you matters most. A movie that you like would make you happy, and me happy as well!"

"Big deal if the movie doesnt interest me. It is the time I spend with her that matters. In fact I would focus more on it and not watch the movie!"

BANG.

I couldnt react.  I felt guilty and ashamed. Here was a person who truly loved me. I just smiled and hugged her. True, it is not what we actually do but the quality time we spend with people we love that matters.

For the first time ever, I did not pay attention to the movie at all and spent time with her. It didnt matter who dunnit in the movie. I dont even remember the characters in the movie now. She had won me over by her unconditional love - True Love. Also, I realised one has to be clear on ones priorities!

P.S. - Its been three weeks now, I am slowly getting out of my movie addiction. And all movies I have watched are Mayu's choice. Friends - In case you are planning a night show without family - Cut me out! Or ask Anna permission - he will give you a kick

Life is happiness - The Smile 30 way!

Hunger is the most basic instinct of mankind and probably the closest feeling to nature. And hunger is also one of the most disregarded of emotions. Either we skip food eventhough the body wants it or we eat more than the body needs. Imagine a situation where for days you dont eat well (or at times not eat at all), what emotions would you go through. I am not talking of the guys fasting voluntarily out there.

What would be your state of mind? How would you look at the life you have gone through and the future you would have to face. All would converge to a single point  - What to do for my next meal ? Would I even get something to eat today. For that state of mind, just that one meal is true happiness.

Before I get into what we did to feed the hungry in our own way, I wish to draw some light into the experiences in my life which shaped my thoughts and also helped in the idea.

Keep it simple - but be consistent

In my growing years, inspired by Gandhiji, I wanted to understand what hunger meant. This was more from the philosophy that you need to know what your fighting against or for. I lived on one meal a day for six months. I wont say something dramatic happened, but I could understand the value of a meal. I told myself and at some point of time in my life, I needed to in my own way help people get out of hunger. I did not have the courage to let go of my education, career etc and focus full time on that.

We had a group in Chennai , during my college and CA days, where we used to meet up at the beach every sunday to discuss simple issues concerning our day to day lives. One of the topics was on Hunger and it rekindled in me the thought to do something about it. One of the participants actually made an interesting observation. He said that its not that the people do not provide food to others. Its just that they are not able to do it consistently.  

Later, my career had me move out of Chennai and I had the opportunity of travelling all over the country. The chances of me doing something reduced further due to lesser availability of quality personal time. This had affected a lot of my habits and also by hobbies. I began spending lesser time with friends, lesser time for cooking, lesser time on writing, etc. Over time, I realised that not doing anything due to paucity of time was actually killing me, because I was slowly moving away from myself. I therefore decided to do all the things i wanted to do, but with a shorter version. For instance, cook a simpler new dish everyday, write poems instead of long write ups or stories, etc. The biggest success for me was with my poetry. Because it allowed me to quickly express what I felt and also my style of writing was welcomed by my readers.

This brought me to learn one of the most important lessons. The size of a task or the amount of time required typically pulls us away from doing things we want to do. The more simple you make the task, the more you get to do them consistently and with content. It does not matter how much you do, it matters how consistent you do something,

Cooking together creates an amazing bond, but not always!

I think this is something I learnt after marriage. Though as roommates in college, my friends and I would cook together, real cooking was something I discovered with Mayura, my better half. She is an amazing cook ,used to involve me in cooking and also taught me dishes to make. What was beautiful was not the cooking itself, but the fact that we were creating something beautiful together and for us to enjoy!

I wanted to extend this at work too, to create a bonding in the team I work with everyday. My team members were from different locations and also from different cuisines. So at weekends, we actually got together at a common place and cooked dishes that we liked for lunch. We had split the work - some of the guys got to vegetable cutting, some into cooking and some into serving. Yes, it was an elaborate affair - but the bonding completely improved. The idea of working together and creating something beautiful inspired all of us. The happiness that we derived after making these wonderful dishes that tasted very good just cannot be explained in words.

We used to upload our cooking videos online and when people appreciated us, it added on to the joy!

This made me  realise that cooking is an amazing team bonding activity! The real joy is in the cooking process more than the actual taste of what we cooked.

But again, we could not sustain it every weekend, because every time we joined to cook, it was so elaborate and required a lot of time to be spent. Though it had the thrill initially, it was becoming a challenge to bring everyone together every weekend and contribute. But whenever we could meet, we enjoyed.

Joy of cooking for someone unknown

It was I think on a Navratri day. Mayu and I just felt we needed to cook something to offer to the deity and share it with friends. I invited my teammates home and shared the "sundals" (A tamil salad). They had totally enjoyed. There was excess food that day and we decided to give it to people in the nearby temple.

While I was distributing the food to those in need in and around the temple, I could vividly remember the expressions on their faces. They seemed to be longing for someone to share some food with them and they had seen God in the person who was serving them in their time of need. This was in contrast to my teammates who had come home and also during our weekend cooking sessions. My teammates enjoyed the dish we made, yes, but was more an enjoyment - the extra. But the ones I met at the temple were grateful, they had not only enjoyed the food but their faces gloomed with happiness that they had won over hunger that day.

Interestingly, I had felt a sudden gush of happiness in me. I felt that I played a part in bringing a moment of happiness in someone no one really cares about.

Smile 30

It was after that incident that I felt that I needed to something meaningful to the society in my own way within the existing constraints and within my sphere of influence. The next weekend, I called up my teammates. But this time not to make for ourselves but to cook for people we dont know, for those in need.

And this time, I did not want to make it elaborate and make the same mistake I had done earlier. I told them that we needed to only cook for 30 people. This was because it was easier to cook  a small quantity and not require a large team for this. This would ensure consistency every weekend because whoever was available would join in.

We created three sub teams - a vegetable cutting team, a cooking team, a packing team, a distribution team and a digital team to split the work. The idea was not to give to people in general but to actually roam the streets in the town and identify those in real need for food that day. It did not matter how long it took to find the right people. But there was no compromise on that.

I wanted everyone to experience the happiness in their faces and the happiness one derives while sharing with them.

We named the initiative Smile 30 (for bringing a smile on faces of 30 people). Every Sunday after that, for the last two years consistently (except for a brief period during the pandemic), we have been doing this activity. The good part of this whole thing is that it is at a small level which makes it easy for people to participate whenever they are available without affecting their personal time. And the cost of cooking for 30 people is also affordable. Some people were kind enough to contribute to the cause, some sponsored for birthdays, anniversaries, etc.

And it can easily be replicated anywhere by anyone, which gives a huge potential for this to become a movement across the country.


The cause creates leaders

I would be naive if I were to say that this initiative immediately awakened the Gandhi in each of my teammates and all became service oriented immediately. There are a lot who have joined us, there are a few who have fallen out or not shown interest but most importantly, there are those who have gotten inspired and have emerged as leaders. These leaders over time have begun running the whole show coordinating at every levels. These leaders had not been nominated. They had emerged after getting self inspired.

Also this has created a long of team building that even at work, you get more self motivated people taking charge of the situation. The real beauty of the whole thing is nobody really knows who is running it, it is the cause which is running the whole thing, not the people!

Which brings me to the lesson I learnt - At times, the cause itself brings out great leaders!

A culmination of Experiences - The Smile 30 way!

What was the beginning of the idea of Smile 30 ? Was it my inspiration from Gandhi? Was it cooking together with Mayura? Was it the weekend team lunches? Was it the day at the temple?

The truth is I really do not know. I am reflecting on these experiences in retrospect - probably creating a connection. But in reality, these experiences had just taken place with me learning something interesting every time. And these experiences subconsciously culminated into an idea which today brings happiness to several people.

So the biggest lesson out of all this is this - Our Life if the best teacher. It is also the best eye opener. It is also the greatest inspirer. It is also infectious and can affect others' lives as well. But the real question is - Are we living our lives to make best use of them?

That is a question with no real answer but it is more a quest.

The letter

 I was a highly pampered kid at home. The last of three children for my parents and also with a pretty good age gap, probably because of which I was shown extra special attention. But that also made me take things for granted, not that I was unruly, but I was not mindful of the love and care shown by my parents, especially my father. I had not disrespected him, but had never been expressive or to be honest, paid much heed.

For instance, I still remember an incident where once I asked him for a desktop PC for a long time. I would pester him every day and he would constantly keep saying "Lets see". Once while having dinner, I had lost patience and I had told him, "Appa, get me the PC, dont ditch me". It was pretty causal for me to say that and I did not really bother. The next day, early morning, I had woken up and my father was sitting alone in the living room. I went upto him and he was in his tears. I asked him what happened. He said ," You told me not to ditch you, that really made me feel miserable". I told him ( in an immatured manner obviously) "You are overthinking appa, nothing of that sort" and walked away! I had done all kinds of stuff as an adolescent and had been very disrespectful at many instances. I am not proud of it one bit, I feel ashamed every today.

I joined college and it was when I had to move out of home from Salem to Chennai. I joined the hostel there and certain life changing experiences  (which I would talk of elsewhere in my writings) completely changed my outlook of life. I was drawn close to the teachings of Swami Vivekananda to begin with after which my understanding of life had completely changed. I had lost interest in many material things, was constantly thinking of philosophy and ways of the cosmos! After a while, someone introduced me to Gandhiji's life and philosophy which again had a profound impact in me. It had so much of an impact that I decided (in my own way) to emulate him. I would clean my toilets, try leading a simple life, etc. It had brought about a lot inner peace in me.

Once when I was reading about Gandhiji, I fumbled upon a piece about him of how he felt guilty about stealing a watch from his dad and wrote a confession letter to him. And how his dads response had a very strong impact in him. I realised that for all the love shown by my parents, especially my father, I had not been grateful at all and my respect for him had grown tremendously. I wanted to pour my feelings to him and make up with him. I wanted to confess to him about all I had done wrong (typical of adolescent stages) or lets say all the cases where I wanted to clarify to him. But I lacked the courage to face him. I was afraid he would be disappointed with me.

I decided one night to probably use Gandhiji's method of writing a letter. I chose the E mail as an option for it. I wrote a "No holds bar" email to him of what I had been, what I had done (things he knew, things he did not know) and more importantly, what I had realised, what changed me and what i had become currently. I thought three to four times before I pressed that "Send" button in Gmail.

Once I sent, i started biting my nails to know what would be the consequence. There was no way to recall the email. After two hours, I got a call from my father. My body began to shiver. I mustered the courage and lifted the phone.

Appa had said with no emotion. "I had read your mail". I just kept saying "Hmmm" throughout. He paused for two minutes after which his voice started to break down.

He said, "You are our son. You are our whole life and we have given our everything to make you what you are now. There is no way, not even an iota, where we could ever be disappointed with you, at max we can only be disappointed with ourselves. But I am happy that you are a changed man and I am happy you have shared all your feelings openly and confessed to everything. I feel closer to my son and that is all that matters. How could we ever hate you?"

Trust me. I just hanged up and cried like hell. The whole world had stopped for me. I realised true unconditional love then. My father just let go of everything, he just cut out all unnecessary stuff (events, emotions, disappointments, etc) and simply loved me.  It was my biggest redemption. It was then I had promised myself in my life - My life is dedicated to my parents and I will never do anything that will not make them proud of. And whatever happens, I will not make them sad.

That incident drew me closer to my father and we became very thick friends. I got to know more about him after that and he had also become my inspiration to say.

Nine years after that incident, it was his 70th birthday. I felt, as a son, i needed to capture his life story and I wanted to play it to him. I had reached out with the help of my uncle to all relatives, his friends and colleagues over the years. To my pleasant surprise, everyone loved him and they all had given him all wishes. It was one of those works I had thoroughly enjoyed because it gave so much insight into his life - my inspiration. And I was recording his story!

On his birthday, I had called up all friends and relatives and I had played that video in front of him. He loved it and became emotional. He hugged me and thanked me.

6 months after that incident, Appa was no more. It still remains the saddest day of my life. Besides, making me what I am today and teaching me certain important life lessons, he has also given me two treasures.

One, redemption through the letter and two, his life story. Many people have told me that the video I made turned out to be a jinx, but it is definitely one of the most defining things I ever made and cherish all my life.

Most times we take people who love us for granted, especially parents. It is very important to speak to them regularly and also more deeply at different points of time in our lives. Their life stories have to be remembered, draw inspiration from and also pass on to generations. In fact, each of our lives is the same too.

Appa, you are with me always.